If Scorpio Were a Bastard: A Confession

Everyone, gather 'round—or, better yet, back away slowly while locking eyes, because you know how much I thrive on intense eye contact. Yes, it’s me: that Scorpio man. The one your therapist warned you about. The one your bestie called “emotionally unavailable but, like, in a hot way.” The one who ghosted you after a night you thought was life-changing (spoiler: it was just okay for me).

I’m here to confess, to own what astrologers, psychologists, and your group chat have whispered for years. Scorpio men aren’t just alleged bad boys—we’re professionally chaotic. So, if you’re ready to villainize me, let’s dive in. I’m living up to the hype.

Yes, I Knew Exactly What I Was Doing

Thought our connection was cosmic? Oh, sweet summer child, that wasn’t fate—it was strategy. Scorpios don’t believe in coincidences; we believe in opportunities. That 2 AM “deep” talk where you felt truly seen? Scripted. Memorizing your coffee order after one date? A calculated flex. Disappearing when you started catching feelings? Textbook Scorpio exit strategy.

I’m Emotionally Unavailable (And I Make It Your Problem)

Experts say Scorpio men have the emotional range of a haunted Victorian doll—and they’re not wrong. I could open up, but why bother? Mystery is my brand. Vulnerability? That’s for people who don’t know how to weaponize silence. You cried because I wouldn’t share my feelings? Perfect. Now you’re the “dramatic” one, and I’m the brooding bad boy who “just needs time.” (Newsflash: I don’t.)

Why Sex with Scorpio Men Feels Cosmic (But Isn’t Always)

Let’s talk about that night—the one you’re still journaling about. Yes, it was intense. Yes, I made you question reality. But here’s the tea: Scorpios are performers. I studied your reactions like a chess grandmaster. That mind-blowing moment you can’t forget? For me, it was just Tuesday. And no, I don’t long for it. I crave the control.

Scorpio Red Flags to Watch For

• Ghosting with Precision: We vanish when you’re most invested.

• Intense Eye Contact: It’s not love; it’s strategy.

• Vague Backstory: That “dark past”? Pure mystique.

I’ll Stalk Your Socials (But Not Because I’m Into You)

Caught me watching your Instagram story at 3 AM? You thought I was pining? Please. I was gathering intel. Scorpios don’t move on—we strategize. Liking your two-year-old photo at midnight? It’s not because I’m hung up on you. It’s because I want you wondering if I am. And guess what? You’re reading this, aren’t you? Checkmate.

I’m Not Toxic—I’m Tragic (Or So I’ll Tell the Next One)

At some point, I’ll play the wounded soul card. A hint of a shadowy past, a whisper that an ex “broke” me. It’s all part of the Scorpio mystique. Truth? The only thing breaking me is my inability to commit without an escape plan. Want to fix me? Go ahead—just know I’ll be gone before you realize I was never broken, just built differently.

The Scorpio Encore

So, from the look on your face, you loved my unapologetic Scorpio villain origin story. Of course you did. That’s the problem with us—we’re so good at being bad, you can’t even stay mad. You’re probably shaking your head, half-impressed, thinking, “Wow, he owns being the worst… that’s kinda hot.”

That’s why Scorpios keep winning. We don’t just lean into the chaos—we curate it. We’re the human equivalent of a “Do Not Touch” sign that begs you to touch. The emotional horror movie where you know the monster’s behind the door, but you open it anyway.

In Conclusion: I’m Exactly Who You Think I Am

Every article about Scorpio men being passionate, possessive, secretive, and emotionally exhausting? Spot on. Every ex who warned you I was trouble? Nailed it. Every time you swore you’d never date another Scorpio… only to slide into my DMs again? Predictable.

But here’s the kicker—you love it. The drama, the intensity, the chaos—it’s what keeps you hooked. And as a Scorpio, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, go ahead. Share this with your friends. Send it to that one person who still checks my LinkedIn (you know who you are). Screenshot it with “I KNEW IT” in all caps. Because whether you love me or love to hate me, you’re still thinking about me.

P.S. This is all in good fun—astrology isn’t destiny! What’s your Scorpio story? Drop it in the comments below or subscribe for more zodiac roasts!